"Inappropriate" Wedding Gift?

[KMG365]

I've been to a wedding like the one described below and I remember watching people stuff envelopes full of cash into a large bird cage placed prominently on one of the tables at the reception. At the time, I thought it was a little unusual, maybe even slightly tacky, to make such a big show of it, but now I know the purpose of a wedding is to "make money for your future". :shock:

Personally, I think the bride was way out of line. She should have shown a bit of maturity and graciously accepted the gift, but if this kind of thing is that important to her, she should impose mandatory gratuities and check gift receipts at the door from all guests attending her future weddings!

From thestar.com

Wedding gift spat spirals out of control after bride demands to see receipt

Consider this: you attend the wedding of a casual acquaintance. You opt for your go-to gift — a basket filled with fancy salsas, oil, biscuits, marshmallow spread and more. You sign the card, “Life is delicious — enjoy!”

Later, you get a text from the bride — “I want to thank you for coming to the wedding Friday,” it begins.

“I’m not sure if it’s the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding … people give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your dates plate . … and got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads-up for the future.”

It sounds like a Miss Manners hypothetical, but this was the drama that played out at a recent Hamilton wedding.

Kathy Mason and her boyfriend gifted a food basket to Laura (who declined to give her last name) and her bride. When Laura suggested Mason poll “normal functioning people” about her basket-giving blunder, Mason brought the question to The Spectator and the Burlington Mamas Facebook group, where it garnered more than 200 responses in less than 24 hours. Even those who agreed cash was a more appropriate gift thought the bride’s reaction was rude.

“We just appreciate the support;” Mason says, “the confirmation that what we did was thoughtful and not out of place.”

Mason says she was second-guessing herself in the wake of the bride’s texts, which started out by simply asking for the receipt (one of the brides was gluten-intolerant).

Louise Fox , an etiquette coach who has appeared on shows including Slice TV’s Rich Bride, Poor Bride , says even requesting the receipt was out of line. She says the couple should have offered the basket to family, friends or a food bank, then written a thank-you note that focused on the thought behind the act of gift-giving.

Here’s a taste of the email exchange:

Gift-givers: “… to ask for a receipt is unfathomable. In fact it was incredibly disrespectful. It was the rudest gesture I have encountered, or even heard of.”

Newlyweds: “Weddings are to make money for your future … not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven’t gave gifts since like 50 years ago! You ate steak, chicken, booze, and a beautiful venue.”

Gift-givers: “It’s obvious you have the etiquette of a twig, I couldn’t care less of what you think about the gift you received, “normal” people would welcome anything given, you wanna have a party, you pay for it, DON’T expect me to.”

Newlyweds: “You should have been cut from the list … I knew we were gunna get a bag of peanuts. I was right.”

Fox, the etiquette coach, says the newlyweds’ reaction is at the top of her list as far as rude behaviour goes. “It’s hard to top that. The wedding is never supposed to be about the gifts. It’s a celebration of the union.”

“You should be grateful that you got a gift and that’s the end of it. You want to preserve the feelings of the giver.”

Laura disagrees. She chalks it up to cultural differences. She’s Italian and her bride is Croatian. They’ve never been to a wedding where guests didn’t give cash.

She says it cost $34,000 to host 210 guests at a local wedding hall. Mason was one of only two guests who didn’t gift at least $150 cash (the other gave a present in addition to cash).

“I don’t know what day or century they’re living in … it must have been a regifted gift,” Laura says. “I just spent $200 for you and your guest to come and you guys must have given me $40 back.”

She says Mason’s gift was the laughingstock of the wedding. At a post-wedding pool party the next day, friends and family stopped by the living room to get a look at the basket that’s still on display in their home.

 

[Cinderwolf]

Wow that made me feel sick! The pint of a gift is the thought behind it! Those brides were just greedy. It was their choice to toss away 34K on their wedding it isn't the guest's obligation to give it back. if you are gonna do that you may as well ask the guests to pay for their own meal and have a closed bar. I just cant believe people now a days. If I had to gift 200 dollars every wedding I wouldn't afford to go to any wedding. I agree the gift basket probably could have been a bit more fancied up ( like a fancy basket and stuff to make it look pretty rather than the crate) but that's unreal!

If I ever get married it am making it very low key and DIY and be really thankful for anyone who cared enough to come celebrate gift or no gift. Cause that's what its supposed to be a time to celebrate with family and close friends not a cash grab.

 

[Petunia]

hmm, I don't know what to say.that bride was really rude

however, around these parts, you don't usually accept an invitation to the wedding reception (not the wedding itself) if you aren't able to come up with a gift that is equivalent to the cost of your meal, and you're generally given a good idea of what the meal is going to cost by where the reception is held and what the food choices are, etc. If there's an open bar, you are very much expected to give cash.

as far as keeping the gift out to be made fun of, that's sadly very common as well. So many times I've seen the lowest price gift at a wedding singled out and ridiculed and talked about for a long time.

I've had friends tell me that they didnt' invite me to the reception because they knew I couldn't afford that kind of gift (truthfully, I was hurt, and I did give a what to *me* was a big gift, a $50 savings bond that cost me $25, even though I went to just the wedding) In this case, the reception was a budget affair and actually cost less than $25 per person.

it's sad that's its so often about the money, but in some cases, I guess, people see it as a party where you get gifts in exchange for food and stuff at the party.

around these parts, When they throw baby showers and wedding showers that are primarily gift giving events, but you kind of expect that you'll play games and get some food,
But then, I've heard people complain about the snacks at the showers not being worth the gifts they gave, so I guess it goes both ways.




IDK, makes me glad I don't go to many of these things.

 

[temblabamomo]

Wow...

 

[dspch911]

Petunia you are correct, normally I too would give a monetary gift that I believe would cover the cost of food. BUT - I have people currently on my guest list that I know that will not happen and some that I know cannot afford any gift, but I want them there and they are aware that they do not have to bring anything but themselves. That is rude not to invite someone cause they cannot give you a gift!!

As for the "birdcage" - my future mother in law gave me one - not the one I would of picked being our theme is snowflakes, but I'll make it work. I believe the concept is to make it easy to keep track of the envelopes so someone doesn't have to carry them around. Not really sure, I would of just used a decorated box - there is no way I'm spending 34K on a wedding. I had our budget at 10K, but think it will be about 15K. Don't know, not adding it up, just paying as I'm going.. If I don't have the money, I'm not buying it - that is the way I'm doing it... And we're not taking a honeymoon so don't have that expense either

 

[crumbilina]

My initial reaction: "Oh, Hamilton!" with a sigh (LOL I love where I live)
But I don't think that this happens just here >.<

Brides can turn INSANE around their weddings! I will never be in another wedding... and I do what I can to get out of going to any wedding. Its sad, but all that I have experienced at these events are selfish little brats who have a fit when things don't go their way. AND those have been some of the nicest people I know, and very close friends.

I fear for the day my sister gets married... that will be hell on earth...
HAHAHA I think I know what might be a pretty hilarious gift to give her!

 

[AmandaTrexica]

I, personally, think this is just very tacky. Like someone else said, the point of the wedding reception is to celebrate your union, not get cash from family. At least that's my opinion, but then again, I plan on having a very small wedding and no reception. My partner and I are not rich and figure the money we would spend on one should go to a honeymoon of sorts, and figure we don't need our family's money to be happy together. After all, that is the point in marrying someone lol.

 

[Godmother]

Wow, this all sounds so mercenary to me! I know that giving cash is the custom at Greek and Italian weddings, but sounds like the custom has spread.

Who ever said it was supposed to be a trade??? I'm glad to be too old for all that stuff.

 

[YorkieLove]

Who ever said it was supposed to be a trade??? I'm glad to be too old for all that stuff.[/quote]


I so agree. I got married 23 years ago and maybe things were different then but this just makes me sick. I never added up the total cost per person for my reception. To expect gifts to cover the cost of the per plate is ridiculous. As said before this is a celebration and a party that you chose to throw. You should foot the bill, I am sure if you charged people to actually come to your reception you would have a lot less people showing up to celebrate Your special day.

 

[victoria]

I honestly think both the bride and the guest were wrong. I understand not everyone can afford to give a gift that's equal to the cost of your plate but for many weddings (especially Greek and Italian ones), it's expected you will and then some. With close friends and family that don't aren't in a financial position to give that much it's usually understood when they don't but if it's an acquaintance it's expected they will decline the invitation. I would never dream of going to a wedding like that if I couldn't afford to pay for my plate. (I won't go to weddings like that unless it's close friends because it's a huge waste of money in my eyes.)

Beyond that, the gift was pretty shitty. A newspaper article I read said there were higher end items in the basket beyond those pictured but still. I would be offended and annoyed if I received that as a gift on almost any occasion - for starters I don't eat many of the items in the basket and I don't have the cupboard space to accomodate a bunch of junk to boot. That's a gift that may be better suited for your child or niece or nephew when they move out on their own, not a wedding gift.

I do agree though that the bride was rude to even bring it up, let alone in the manner she did. I doubt however that she would have been as upset if she had gotten a cheque in that value or something off the registry. I suspect there's more to this story, I can't for the life of me imagine anyone thinking that's an appropriate wedding gift.

 

[jorats]

My son and I were having a discussion a few days ago about exactly this. He's going to a wedding and he wants to just give cash. He was worried that it was going to be tacky just cash. I told him NO! It's not tacky. The couple will greatly appreciate cash over toasters or toaster ovens. Julien is spending an exorbitant amount just to attend the wedding so he's put himself in the whole as well. He can't give them much but I told him even a little bit will help.

A gift is a gift. I think it was horrible for the bride to react the way she did. Weddings have become a money pit. I can't believe couples put themselves in debt for one ceremony. Especially when 1 in 2 will end in divorce.

 

[ChrisK]

Yes.. building on what Jorats said.. on a personal note.. last August my step-daughter got married and it's not even a year yet, and she's suing for divorce. She spent a full year planning the wedding, and tried to do it inexpensively. She made it very personal, and held it on their property, and it cost about $5,000. Of course, the rest of the family still paid tons for a rehearsal dinner, bridal shower, gifts of all sorts, including flying family members in for the occasion. It's heartbreaking to see them separate now. Even worse knowing we spent all that time, energy and money for a wedding... and now are going to have to help them thru a divorce less than a year later!

I know there are so many expectations around weddings. What the bride expects from guests, what guests expect of the reception, that's just one part of it. All I can say, is I long for the days of simplicity. It's a lot of fun to get wrapped up in the excitement when someone you love is getting married, but in the end, the only thing that really counts is the love and commitment being made, and the community support of those attending.... IMHO

 

[EDK]

Since I am a bride to be omg I'm shocked about this Bride's reaction!

This is a union, it's not about gifts. Though according to my folks (since this is my first and ONLY marriage lol) I guess in our family, it's traditional for a bride to make a list of 'gifts' she'd like the guests to bring "SHOULD THEY" want to bring a gift, and that usually revolves around home gifts like a new toaster, blender, silverware, plates, chairs, to pots and pans, some will go as far as to say a new car, or a deed to a new home whoever is rich enough for those kind of gifts lol. These are gifts however that are mostly covered by the family I'll just say, in preps for the new couple to have a place of their own, an encouragement to 'leave' the nest as it were lol.

To be honest though I never thought much about the gifts, this is a union between me and my soul mate, we're watching our budget but its a budget we want to do for our special day, and NEVER have I intended that it should be paid back by our guests! This is OUR party, therego OUR money, and we invited OUR friends to this event, they should never have to pay for that invitation if we made the effort to invite them. That's like hosting a birthday party, ya it cost some money, do you expect your party guests to pay it back by dowsing you in money gifts? Heck no, gifts sure if they can, but honestly I always just wanted their company and good food.

My last birthday party on June 4th was a nice family gathering, with home made chinese food. The gifts were 3 movies (im a huge movie collector) and my mother made me a new sleeping blankey (DONT JUDGE ME I LOVE MY GOGO) and she's currently in the process of making me an afkan out of yarn she's crocetting. I was thrilled with all these gifts to be sure, but not as much as the pleasure of the company.

So I'll flat out say my blunt honest opinion in regards to this topic, that Bride was rude, I'll be surprised if she has friends at all after this. Enjoy your new life with your husband sweetheart, because he's probably the only friend you'll have after this sad blunder.

 

[victoria]

But it was an Italian wedding (albeit not very traditional).... it IS expected that you cover at least your plate when you go to one either in cash or by spending an equivalent amount buying a gift from the registry. It IS considered very rude not to do so in most cases. I've been to weddings following many different cultural and religious traditions, it's common sense you do a bit of research or ask questions to make sure you are respecting traditions (whether they be dress code, gifts, etc.) before going. This is Canada after all, central Ontario at that, it's a melting pot of cultural backgrounds.

I'm not saying the bride was justified in her reaction but the gift giver was also in the wrong. I'd be offended if I got that basket for my wedding, I still don't see how the gift giver thought it was remotely appropriate. Just giving a card would have been less offensive. Although, I think there is more to this story on both sides.

 

[ChrisK]

But it was an Italian wedding (albeit not very traditional).... it IS expected that you cover at least your plate when you go to one either in cash or by spending an equivalent amount buying a gift from the registry. It IS considered very rude not to do so in most cases. I've been to weddings following many different cultural and religious traditions, it's common sense you do a bit of research or ask questions to make sure you are respecting traditions (whether they be dress code, gifts, etc.) before going. This is Canada after all, central Ontario at that, it's a melting pot of cultural backgrounds.

I'm not saying the bride was justified in her reaction but the gift giver was also in the wrong. I'd be offended if I got that basket for my wedding, I still don't see how the gift giver thought it was remotely appropriate. Just giving a card would have been less offensive. Although, I think there is more to this story on both sides.

That's a very good observation! Culture and tradition deserve consideration..

 

[dspch911]

Since I am a bride to be omg I'm shocked about this Bride's reaction!

This is a union, it's not about gifts. Though according to my folks (since this is my first and ONLY marriage lol) I guess in our family, it's traditional for a bride to make a list of 'gifts' she'd like the guests to bring "SHOULD THEY" want to bring a gift, and that usually revolves around home gifts like a new toaster, blender, silverware, plates, chairs, to pots and pans, some will go as far as to say a new car, or a deed to a new home whoever is rich enough for those kind of gifts lol. These are gifts however that are mostly covered by the family I'll just say, in preps for the new couple to have a place of their own, an encouragement to 'leave' the nest as it were lol.

To be honest though I never thought much about the gifts, this is a union between me and my soul mate, we're watching our budget but its a budget we want to do for our special day, and NEVER have I intended that it should be paid back by our guests! This is OUR party, therego OUR money, and we invited OUR friends to this event, they should never have to pay for that invitation if we made the effort to invite them. That's like hosting a birthday party, ya it cost some money, do you expect your party guests to pay it back by dowsing you in money gifts? Heck no, gifts sure if they can, but honestly I always just wanted their company and good food.

My last birthday party on June 4th was a nice family gathering, with home made chinese food. The gifts were 3 movies (im a huge movie collector) and my mother made me a new sleeping blankey (DONT JUDGE ME I LOVE MY GOGO) and she's currently in the process of making me an afkan out of yarn she's crocetting. I was thrilled with all these gifts to be sure, but not as much as the pleasure of the company.

So I'll flat out say my blunt honest opinion in regards to this topic, that Bride was rude, I'll be surprised if she has friends at all after this. Enjoy your new life with your husband sweetheart, because he's probably the only friend you'll have after this sad blunder.

List of gifts is more suitable for the wedding shower although there is probably nothing wrong with bringing a gift off that list. We have a very small list as we are having a small shower. We have lived together for awhile, but just need odds and ends. This isn't our first marriage. I've been divorced 14 years and would of been happy with a small wedding, but he has never had a wedding and its more for him and his family. We are paying for it and are not expecting to recover the cost.

 

[EDK]

But it was an Italian wedding (albeit not very traditional).... it IS expected that you cover at least your plate when you go to one either in cash or by spending an equivalent amount buying a gift from the registry. It IS considered very rude not to do so in most cases. I've been to weddings following many different cultural and religious traditions, it's common sense you do a bit of research or ask questions to make sure you are respecting traditions (whether they be dress code, gifts, etc.) before going. This is Canada after all, central Ontario at that, it's a melting pot of cultural backgrounds.

I'm not saying the bride was justified in her reaction but the gift giver was also in the wrong. I'd be offended if I got that basket for my wedding, I still don't see how the gift giver thought it was remotely appropriate. Just giving a card would have been less offensive. Although, I think there is more to this story on both sides.

That's a very good observation! Culture and tradition deserve consideration..

When you put it that way, I can understand that. I'm not italian though, mixed culture of german, irish, scottish, and french and a bit of native american simply following a typical american wedding tradition, maybe with more german fling though they are considered to have the same cermonial traditions (and my fiance is german). To which I say, my guests don't have to bring a gift, im happy to just see them show up for me and my husband as supporters. But if they wish to bring a gift I guess I could say I hope they are considerate. I don't think I'd like it if someone brought me a basket of candy from a pharmacy store lol. But if one were to do so, I'd happily accept the gift, complain about it in private, send a thank you card to the person despite and not make a scene. I think that was the real reason of my annoyance with the bride and the gift giver, making a big scene over this. I'd be embrassed.

Edit: Also even if I got candy out of it, my rats would be happy lol!

 

[KMG365]

But it was an Italian wedding (albeit not very traditional).... it IS expected that you cover at least your plate when you go to one either in cash or by spending an equivalent amount buying a gift from the registry. It IS considered very rude not to do so in most cases. I've been to weddings following many different cultural and religious traditions, it's common sense you do a bit of research or ask questions to make sure you are respecting traditions (whether they be dress code, gifts, etc.) before going. This is Canada after all, central Ontario at that, it's a melting pot of cultural backgrounds.

I can accept that to a point, but if you expect your guests to follow your cultural and religious traditions, it would probably make sense to put a bit more thought into who you invite. The gift-giver, in this case, was just a casual acquaintance and the newlyweds admitted, in their e-mail exchange afterward, that they expected to get only a "bag of peanuts" in return from this individual. Since the value of gifts received was obviously of utmost importance to these newlyweds why did they invite someone they believed couldn't or wouldn't measure up? Were they just being polite inviting this person? If so, what happened to that politeness once the gifts were opened?

Personally, I find it abhorrent that these newlyweds expressed their disappointment over a gift in such a crass manner. I don't care what nationality they are - they should just be happy that so many people took time out of their busy schedules to celebrate the special day. Instead, they spoiled the occasion for at least one couple by publicly ridiculing them for bringing the cheapest present.

 

[Moon]

I'm with Victoria that the gift was inappropriate. I understand that people can't always cover the cost of their plates which is apparently what you're supposed to aim for.

But if you are going to have a huge, big fat Greek/Italian/whatever wedding and invite even casual acquaintances, you're going to have to accept that some people can't give that amount, and some people aren't going to be willing to shell out two weeks worth of food money because you invited them. And if that happens, you certainly don't complain.

You don't have a wedding to make money. I was very fortunate with mine, friends and family were generous and the money went toward the closing costs on our house. But I also had 28 guests and had my wedding at my favourite restaurant. If cost is that big a concern to you, you don't invite hundreds of people.

 

[EDK]

That's a valid point there too Moon. I mean my wedding (according to my folks) isn't that big on the invite scale, roughly 50 - 60 people. I still don't expect to be shattered with gifts or money, it's certaintly nice if they do though. Company is all I require though hehe.