How do you guys deal with a loss? I really need your help..

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Tarah

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2009
Messages
2,081
Location
Nova Scotia, Canada
*This may not be in the right place, so if it's not could a Mod move it for me? :), also, it may be a little.. sensitive subject to some people, so I'll use a caution note just in case.*

I really need some advice to help me with this..

Ever since Throttle passed away, I have been really paranoid about all of my rats. I know that death is a part of life, and no one likes to find a dead animal... but I need some advice on how to handle it..

Every morning since I stand in front of the cage, unable to open it, and shake a bag of food or treats to see if everyone comes out to the front of the cage. If they don't, I panic and nervously peer around the cage. I will NOT open it until everyone comes out where I can see them..

Once me or Joey finds the rat, I'm okay (for lack of a better word) afterward. But those minutes when you realize "I think someone passed away" destroy me completely. I'm always way too afraid to look around the cage, move blankets, lift houses and huts, and look around for the missing rat. I don't want to find one gone.... But it's worse again when Joey goes looking. I'm not ready to hear "Lucas is gone, Marley is gone, Marbles is gone, Splinter is gone" etc. I feel really weak and like my legs are going to give out on me. The worst part of it is my mind wanders and panics the whole time. I am HORRIFIED of some of the stories I've heard about the others "cleaning up".. I think if I ever saw something like that, I would die on the spot.

I need to know how you guys deal with your loses, or even when you suspect something went wrong.

I cant keep doing this.. I love all of my rats dearly, with all of my heart and soul, but me being like this makes me think I wont be able to own them after these guys..

Please guys, I need some advice about this..
 
I think we all go through this at one point or another. Death is never easy but I try to think of the life they had and not dwell on the death they went through. For some reason some are easier than others. Take one step at a time and don't anticipate a "clean up" that may never happen. :hugs:
 
To get over the loss, I think it helps to look at photos and to share your memories with others who cared about Throttle. I PMed you a couple of suggestions that might help with overcoming the fear of looking in the cage.
 
I defnitly went through this when my very young rat died of anestetic. Every time my teaka fell asleep in my sweater i would keep checking for a heartbeat, i didnt like it when they were still for too long. I keep think of this too that i do not what to get too many rats as i know i will eventualy have to see them pass...

What helps me is that i make sure they have an amazing life while they are with me so when they do pass i will look back on their memorys and smile as they all will live very differnet and SPOILD lives!!! It is hard finding your rat who has passed but im trying to grasp that as an animal lover i may have many pets who will pass on during my life that i will have to deal with but as long as i make sure they all live happy healthy lives i think it makes it a bit easyer to let them go.

Also, this is my favorite storywhich has to do a dog passing...i think it explanes any animal's life though (got it in an e-mail a few years back and i thought it explaned pet death perefct):

A Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year old)

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolf hound named Belker.

The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker,

and they were hoping for a miracle.



I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker,

and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.



As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old

Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.



The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed

so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on.

Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.



The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives

are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I know why.'



Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me.

I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.



He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good Life -- like loving everybody

all the time and being nice, right?' The Six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that,

so they don't have to stay as long. "
 
Beautiful quote :hugs:

I have a hard time thinking about my animals passing as well , but unlike what you do , I can' t rip through all the blankets and tunnels fast enough. I think that someone may be stuck or needs help , and if someone did pass , I would just want to know ASAP , and I would want me to be the one to find her/him , no one else.
 
Death is something dealt with ALOT here... there are a few members who I KNOW for a fact KNOW what i'm talking about, and know who they are.
As a rescue, as weird as this may sound, I think of a death as more reason to help, more reason to give that loving home to, that caring touch, the warmth, the good food, the enjoyment of friends. As a personal owner, I don't think you should feel any less.

What you gave your boys was something beautiful. I think you should remember him fondly, and look back at his life as a good thing. Don't remember the death, but remember his LIFE.....

:hugs:
 
I don't know if it'll really help you, but it might help a little, to hear about my first time. Her name was Squeakers and she and her cagemate were my first rats. Squeakers was always unwell (though I didn't know it) and when one night I discovered her in severe respiratory distress, I had absolutely no idea what to do. It was like 3 AM and I didn't even think to call the vet -- I just held her until she passed. And although I was fairly calm-headed while I was holding her, as soon as she was gone I completely panicked. I had never seen anything die in my entire life and I totally couldn't handle it. I was crying and hysterical and screamed non-stop until my roommate came to see what was going on, and I absolutely couldn't even *touch* her. I had this "oh my god get it away from me" reaction that I didn't understand at all because I loved her so much when she was alive that I was actually kind of ashamed to be afraid/disgusted of her -- but I was.

My next two deaths I didn't have to be part of, because both happened at the vet's office and I only had to pick up the body (which was already wrapped up). But the next one after that, Lily -- same thing. I saw her and just screamed and screamed and couldn't come close to her. I had to make my roommate (again) come take her out for me.

What was odd, though, is that I didn't have that same reaction to *other* rats. For awhile I had two roommates who also had rats, and I would take care of *their* rats when they died; none of us could handle our own, but we could do each other's. When they moved out, I'd have my boyfriend do it for me.

It's gotten easier, recently. I've had a few that were very, very sick and I was relieved to see them go because I knew they were happier that way. And I think too, just time and experience. I won't say I'm de-sensitized, but my outlook on the matter has become much more zen -- it's becoming easier for me to accept the fact that the ratties aren't with us very long, so I can never take them for granted.

So....yeah. That may not have been very helpful and encouraging, but what I mean is -- I sympathize completely because I've been there too. :hugs:
 
Thanks fenshae. :hugs:

Guys you all may not think your few words or stories help much, but they really do. Any little bit of advice helps me a lot, and i appreciate it more than any of you know. :) :heart:
 
henry's_mum said:
Death is something dealt with ALOT here... there are a few members who I KNOW for a fact KNOW what i'm talking about, and know who they are.
As a rescue, as weird as this may sound, I think of a death as more reason to help, more reason to give that loving home to, that caring touch, the warmth, the good food, the enjoyment of friends. As a personal owner, I don't think you should feel any less.

What you gave your boys was something beautiful. I think you should remember him fondly, and look back at his life as a good thing. Don't remember the death, but remember his LIFE.....

:hugs:
Click to expand...
I totally agree, it makes it all worth it.
 
Tara I know how you feel right now. Back in my day of owning rats, I had quite a few. 60 at one point :( It seemed like everything was fine, until I realised that the first 20 were comming on 2yrs old, and I knew I couldn't keep them forever. There was a span of about a week where I would wake up in the morning to do my breakfast calls, check on everyone and spot clean. I think I lost about 6 that week, all fine the night before, but sleeping to peacefully the next day. I was a mental case at the time, I woulds shake and cry and pray as I walked up my hallway, hoping everyone was fine. Just one more day with them, not wanting to find anyone. I did end up with my numbers down very low, and decided to find the remaining youngins new homes, because I just couldnt do it anymore. I was on medication for anxiety at that point. I went almost 3 years without owning rats, until this October when I felt I was strong enough to have them with me again, and strong enough to start the process of loosing them all over :( That is why I only have 4, and will never have more than that. I mean, I am in the petstores all the time, read all the new homes needed adds, but never respond. My reasoning, I dont want to be the one to find them when their time is up.

To this day, I still run to the cage every morning to check my boys, I shake Shai's hammock if he's sleeping too soundly. Im always asking the fiance "Did Dean come out in the open today?" or "Did you see Sam??" meanwhile scared to walk over to the cage to check myself. I swear if I dont see them every 15mins, I worry.

You're a great rat Momma, you've been through a lot lately. If I could send you some hugs I would. Sorry to hear about your Trottle, he was gorgeous and full of personality through his pictures.
 
PitLuvs that's exactly how I feel right now. I almost feel insane because I constantly worry about going downstairs and seeing one of my boys or girls passed away.. I am scared of my own room, and I hate it. I actually have to almost throw something at the front of the cage and see who comes out. If they don't, Joey goes "Oh I'll check on them" and I always tell him no, even though i really want him to. I'm just not prepared to hear "Yeah, one's gone".

I have even thought of re-homing them because i feel like i can't handle it, but every time i think about it, i can't bring myself to do it. I love them too much.. But i almost feel like I'm too scared to get closer to them because I'm going to lose them.. I just don't want to find them gone. :cry3: I understand that they've gone to a better place... but the fact of finding their dead body makes me cringe, shake and feel weak.

I have considered what all of you have said and told me, and again I really appreciate all of everyones help.. but i think it's going to take a while to get over this..
 
Ten years of this and every single time one of them goes on I feel my heart rip just a bit. I take them from their cage for the last time, telling the others that he/she has gone on and will be waiting for them. Those that have to be euthed are brought home to be kept with their family in deep freeze until we can cremate or do mass burial.

Every loss brings me closer to acceptance, I cannot change what will happen, what will come, but I can be there, I can be the one that they know and love. Trust is a precious gift and when one of them wants to be with me to go, to cross over..I am humbled and usually those are the hardest to deal with.

I am in the process of having a tattoo done of my beloved Fergus, who has been gone for almost 2 years. It will be his image, but the heart is for all of them, for every single little paw that has touched my heart. They will all be remembered with smiles and sometimes tears when I think of them.

I was blessed to know them and I take a great deal of comfort in having been there to give them a wonderful life. :hugs:
 
Just an update about everything.

I've gotten a lot better about checking on the boys and girls. I can go up to the cage and open it somewhat right away instead of waiting for everyone to come out.

I think I've accepted Throttles death, and will be able to deal with losses in the future..

I want to thank everyone for their kind words and advice, it helped a bunch! :D :hugs:
 
I often wondered why it is
my babies pass away
And with them goes a piece of me
My skies from blue to gray :rose:

Their sweet and tender faces
come to greet me nevermore
And rolling clouds of grief do tumble
cross my inner shore :heart:

This is the way reactions tend
though it should never be
For in my soul I always know
my babies are with me :rose:

Their journey into loving care
Their little hearts in quest
The key which lies within our bond
to open treasure chests :love6:

Do not allow a fear of loss
to take from those still there
for every one which comes to you
For your soul will they care :love4:

You are not able
yet to see
the love they've stored inside
The key to Rainbows
Treasure chests
Falls open when they've died. :rose:

You'll find your angels when you sleep
In starlight clear and bright
When through your love
The Bridge they find
Their journey into light :love6:

Your little ones are by your side
Your soul for which to care
Forever twined within your heart
Forever they are there. :heart:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Free Spirit comes to those who were graced with your care Tarah.

Learn to see them with your heart... their souls are never far. :love6:

 

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