Cait
Well-Known Member
:sad3:
Last night my dad called me at my sister's in Iowa to tell me one of my rats was dead. It took twenty minutes to figure out who it was because they couldn't accurately describe the hood markings... But it was my Denny. My sweet, perfect, Denny. My heart. It's shattered. My Denny! He was supposed to live for so much longer, he was never supposed to go alone! And he did, he went alone, my precious boy was alone and I didn't get to say goodbye! I was supposed to take him with me on this trip and I didn't, I thought, "Well it'll just be so much more of a hassle if I do" and I should have! I should have just done it, I was so selfish... Maybe if I had he'd be alive, or it if was meant to be at least I'd have been with him. It hurts so much. It feels like I've lost a child... I can't believe this is happening to me. Denny was never supposed to die... I loved him too much for him to die and he did, and I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about how much I'm going to miss his sweet face, his kisses, his bruxxes... It's no secret he's my favorite. It never was. Now I can't imagine going home and looking at that cage and not seeing his face, not seeing him run and be the first to greet me and give me cuddles... I can't bear the thought of doing what I did when Preston died... Looking for him where I know he's supposed to be and then have reality come crashing down that he won't ever be there again, that I won't ever feel his fur against my cheeks or be able to pick him up and kiss his belly. It's not fair. It's so not fair. I love him! Why him? How awful is that to say, but why him?? How could he be taken away from me like that?
Denny I'm so sorry. I am so so so so so sorry! I love you more than you can ever imagine and I always will. I won't ever forget you and I will always tell people about you, I will never not remember you. I love you. I love you so much and I'm so sorry I wasn't there, I'm sorry I wasn't there like I was for so many of the others, I'm sorry I didn't get to comfort you in your last moments. If I had known I'd never have left, I promise, I would have stayed, and I would have never let you go. I love you. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy... I am the luckiest girl in the world for having you, and I have known a heart rat and a perfect companion, my animal soul mate, because of you. I love you. I don't want you to be gone... Denny I love you. I love you. Watch over us and help my heart, please? Please let me know somehow that you are okay and that you weren't in pain. Oh god, and my Izzie, he'll be heartbroken. I have to make sure he's okay, I know he was your best best buddy... Oh what have I done to you with those stupid names?! It's like I predestined this for you... Denny I'm sorry. I'm sorry!! Come back to somehow, come back to me in another rat, come back to me I don't care how, please do it... I can't stand the thought of you leaving me!
My heart... Izzie was right, it does feel like I'm moving in slow motion. "I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to be this person." I don't know how to be Cait without my Denny... He is such a huge part of my life. I can't stand this. I can't stand this hurt. I can't do it. I'm so sorry Denny!
Last night my dad called me at my sister's in Iowa to tell me one of my rats was dead. It took twenty minutes to figure out who it was because they couldn't accurately describe the hood markings... But it was my Denny. My sweet, perfect, Denny. My heart. It's shattered. My Denny! He was supposed to live for so much longer, he was never supposed to go alone! And he did, he went alone, my precious boy was alone and I didn't get to say goodbye! I was supposed to take him with me on this trip and I didn't, I thought, "Well it'll just be so much more of a hassle if I do" and I should have! I should have just done it, I was so selfish... Maybe if I had he'd be alive, or it if was meant to be at least I'd have been with him. It hurts so much. It feels like I've lost a child... I can't believe this is happening to me. Denny was never supposed to die... I loved him too much for him to die and he did, and I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about how much I'm going to miss his sweet face, his kisses, his bruxxes... It's no secret he's my favorite. It never was. Now I can't imagine going home and looking at that cage and not seeing his face, not seeing him run and be the first to greet me and give me cuddles... I can't bear the thought of doing what I did when Preston died... Looking for him where I know he's supposed to be and then have reality come crashing down that he won't ever be there again, that I won't ever feel his fur against my cheeks or be able to pick him up and kiss his belly. It's not fair. It's so not fair. I love him! Why him? How awful is that to say, but why him?? How could he be taken away from me like that?
Denny I'm so sorry. I am so so so so so sorry! I love you more than you can ever imagine and I always will. I won't ever forget you and I will always tell people about you, I will never not remember you. I love you. I love you so much and I'm so sorry I wasn't there, I'm sorry I wasn't there like I was for so many of the others, I'm sorry I didn't get to comfort you in your last moments. If I had known I'd never have left, I promise, I would have stayed, and I would have never let you go. I love you. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy... I am the luckiest girl in the world for having you, and I have known a heart rat and a perfect companion, my animal soul mate, because of you. I love you. I don't want you to be gone... Denny I love you. I love you. Watch over us and help my heart, please? Please let me know somehow that you are okay and that you weren't in pain. Oh god, and my Izzie, he'll be heartbroken. I have to make sure he's okay, I know he was your best best buddy... Oh what have I done to you with those stupid names?! It's like I predestined this for you... Denny I'm sorry. I'm sorry!! Come back to somehow, come back to me in another rat, come back to me I don't care how, please do it... I can't stand the thought of you leaving me!
My heart... Izzie was right, it does feel like I'm moving in slow motion. "I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to be this person." I don't know how to be Cait without my Denny... He is such a huge part of my life. I can't stand this. I can't stand this hurt. I can't do it. I'm so sorry Denny!