first off let me say, I don't want anyone's sympathy. For one thing, How I look is really beyond my control, it's the way I was born, and then add over 57 years of living. (gah I keep forgetting how old I am :lol: )
The years have not been kind to me. I didn't look too too bad when I was younger, I could fix my hair just so and I'd be ok-looking, not ever attractive but passable.
I have several flaws and scars on my face that are showing up a lot more now as I get older and everything moves south.
I am contemplating doing something that would take a LOT of courage on my part, and that is- letting you all see what I look like in a video. But ONLY if you will promise to not lie to me, there's no question I am not attractive and while ugly is a strong word, it pretty much fits.
My daughter has not seen me in a while and asked for a photo- she sent me one of her and she looks great! but I look horrible in still photos, I always have, even when I was younger and clear tight skin was on my side.
so I promised her a video, I figured it would be a better representation of what I really look like.
So I was out playing with the rats and took a short clip with me in it.
I just watched it and literally broke down and cried. I look not so much old, but the stress of my day to day life, what it has taken out of me, it's written all over my face.
I look horrible. AGAIN I do not want your sympathy. I am happy that I have what I do, a decent apt, even if the neighbors suck LOL and my rats and my cats and if I could just get control of my budget I'd even have enough money for food without running out all the time LOL
I mean, I don't feel sorry for myself. Well OK I didn't until I saw this video.
I am sad because we put so much into how people look, we all do, including me, and I know that when I see another person is as "plain" or weathered and worn as I am, when I see another unattractive person, I do indeed on some level, think of them as somehow "less". Less what, I don't know. Just, I don't know, we all oooh and ahhh over the cute babies, we all love to look at attractive people of the same or opposite gender, we all talk about attractiveness and are attracted TO people who look good.
and I know that my looks put people off, hell they put ME off! seriously, I can't stand to look in the mirror, I only look at my hair to make sure it's not all over the place and my face to make sure there's no sleepy seeds in my eyes but beyond that, I try NOT to look at myself.
Because if I left the house with a picture of how I really look in my mind's eye, I would be embarrassed and I would never speak to anyone.
I would blush if I saw someone looking at me, wondering if they were thinking, good lord, that lady is ugly.
and so, yes I looked at the video of myself and I felt an immense sorrow and self pity that I do not look on the outside the way I feel on the inside. I feel like a good, kind person, but I don't look like it.
I'm crying as I write this but I will stop soon and take another video of me with my hair down, and IF I get up the courage to post it,
I need you to promise that you will not try to say that I Look ok, because I know I don't.
It's like a fat person doesnt' need you to tell them they are fat.
Oh and I'm fat too LOL but it doesn't show as much in my face as it does around my middle LOL
I'd like some ideas on what to do with my hair. I have never liked the feeling of hair on my face (bangs) I keep my hair pinned up most of the time now, in a bun like thing.
I keep it long so that in the winter I can use it to keep my ears warm LOL and I will wear it in a pony tail sometimes.
But my hair is thinning and I'm thinking of getting it cut short, very short.
I always have to wear glasses, so, I need ideas for what kind of short hair cut to try, that will look the best with my shape face (which, as you will see, is basically lumpy LOL)
I mean, should i go for the old lady perm? or should i cut it really short and layered and try to fluff up the top with some hair spray, so it's sorta like bangs but ones that dont really touch my face ? (like held off my face you know??)
well, if you've read this so far, thank you. I'm having a kinda bad day, missing my daughter
and my former youthful face :laugh4:
and well, you know what they say misery likes company
but who would want to hang around with someone with this ugly mug? :lol:
ok here's the video *GULP*
EDIT:video has been made private for now
The years have not been kind to me. I didn't look too too bad when I was younger, I could fix my hair just so and I'd be ok-looking, not ever attractive but passable.
I have several flaws and scars on my face that are showing up a lot more now as I get older and everything moves south.
I am contemplating doing something that would take a LOT of courage on my part, and that is- letting you all see what I look like in a video. But ONLY if you will promise to not lie to me, there's no question I am not attractive and while ugly is a strong word, it pretty much fits.
My daughter has not seen me in a while and asked for a photo- she sent me one of her and she looks great! but I look horrible in still photos, I always have, even when I was younger and clear tight skin was on my side.
so I promised her a video, I figured it would be a better representation of what I really look like.
So I was out playing with the rats and took a short clip with me in it.
I just watched it and literally broke down and cried. I look not so much old, but the stress of my day to day life, what it has taken out of me, it's written all over my face.
I look horrible. AGAIN I do not want your sympathy. I am happy that I have what I do, a decent apt, even if the neighbors suck LOL and my rats and my cats and if I could just get control of my budget I'd even have enough money for food without running out all the time LOL
I mean, I don't feel sorry for myself. Well OK I didn't until I saw this video.
I am sad because we put so much into how people look, we all do, including me, and I know that when I see another person is as "plain" or weathered and worn as I am, when I see another unattractive person, I do indeed on some level, think of them as somehow "less". Less what, I don't know. Just, I don't know, we all oooh and ahhh over the cute babies, we all love to look at attractive people of the same or opposite gender, we all talk about attractiveness and are attracted TO people who look good.
and I know that my looks put people off, hell they put ME off! seriously, I can't stand to look in the mirror, I only look at my hair to make sure it's not all over the place and my face to make sure there's no sleepy seeds in my eyes but beyond that, I try NOT to look at myself.
Because if I left the house with a picture of how I really look in my mind's eye, I would be embarrassed and I would never speak to anyone.
I would blush if I saw someone looking at me, wondering if they were thinking, good lord, that lady is ugly.
and so, yes I looked at the video of myself and I felt an immense sorrow and self pity that I do not look on the outside the way I feel on the inside. I feel like a good, kind person, but I don't look like it.
I'm crying as I write this but I will stop soon and take another video of me with my hair down, and IF I get up the courage to post it,
I need you to promise that you will not try to say that I Look ok, because I know I don't.
It's like a fat person doesnt' need you to tell them they are fat.
Oh and I'm fat too LOL but it doesn't show as much in my face as it does around my middle LOL
I'd like some ideas on what to do with my hair. I have never liked the feeling of hair on my face (bangs) I keep my hair pinned up most of the time now, in a bun like thing.
I keep it long so that in the winter I can use it to keep my ears warm LOL and I will wear it in a pony tail sometimes.
But my hair is thinning and I'm thinking of getting it cut short, very short.
I always have to wear glasses, so, I need ideas for what kind of short hair cut to try, that will look the best with my shape face (which, as you will see, is basically lumpy LOL)
I mean, should i go for the old lady perm? or should i cut it really short and layered and try to fluff up the top with some hair spray, so it's sorta like bangs but ones that dont really touch my face ? (like held off my face you know??)
well, if you've read this so far, thank you. I'm having a kinda bad day, missing my daughter
and my former youthful face :laugh4:
and well, you know what they say misery likes company
but who would want to hang around with someone with this ugly mug? :lol:
ok here's the video *GULP*
EDIT:video has been made private for now
