Need some help coping...

I don't know if I am posting this in the right part of the forum but one of my two heart rats started her journey today. She had a large tumor the size of an egg under her arm that was started to hinder her movement and she was getting skinnier by the day. She had just had a strong round of zithromax to control her myco, and was otherwise in great health.

I decided the best course of action was to try and remove the tumor, to make her more comfortable...I thought that it would be no big deal, and that she would at least make it home for me to nurse her back to health. The vet assistant called me and told me she had woken up and was doing good and that I could pick her up later. A few moments later, however, the vet got on the phone to tell me that her heart had just....stopped....He said he tried his best to revive her but couldnt.

I feel so much regret because I wasnt there with her, that she must have been so scared and alone...The guilt is killing me and I know there is nothing I can do to change it. I feel like I made a huge mistake and could have just euthanized her, at least I would have been by her side...or even just let her live a bit longer, since she was still eating and walking...

She left behind her sister...I let her see the body, she kept trying to grab the cloth I had her wrapped in...I dont know if she fully understood what had happened...

She was always so strong, she would climb up and down their 3 story cage, even with the tumor... I thought she would be strong enough to go through the surgery but I was very sadly mistaken...I am so broken over this...:cry2:

I have lost a couple of girls during a spay, so I know exactly how you feel. It is always a risk doing surgery, but you decided on that course of action because you felt that would give her the best chance at a longer life. You chose to do that IN HER BEST INTEREST. So yes, be sad that she has passed, but try and accept it too. It really, really sucks, but sometimes bad things happen, and it is out of our hands.
She is looking down on you now, knowing you love her and have regrets, but she is at peace now and will meet you at the Bridge with open paws when you get there.
:hugs:

The decision you made was out of love so it couldn't be a mistake. I am so sorry for your loss. I know the feeling and it's awful but you did the best you could for her. Even if you weren't there when she passed away she died knowing you love her.

I couldn't have said anything better then what has already been said.

:hugs: I'm so sorry for your loss

Most of us know that guilt that we could do more. When I lost my Peach I cried for days telling myself I could have done things different and maybe she'd still be alive. But with time I grew to trust myself that I did EVERYTHING in her best interest I was there for her as much as I could be given circumstances. Sometimes they wait for us to say goodbye and sometimes they don't and I believe they know that sometimes we just wouldn't have let go but thats what they needed.
I picture my happy place when I pass...its walking into my rat room with all my past babies. It makes me tear up but in a happy way that they'll all be there, be happy and healthy and I'll never lose them again, they'll never be in pain again or get sick!
There's plenty of love at the bridge! She is not alone, she is in the most wonderful rat world of all!

Hi hun,

The EXACT same thing happened to me. So I completely understand how you feel and what you're going through right now. It's a bit traumatic because you have to go through the stress of worrying if they're going to make it through the op - and when you get the good news and you can go pick them up, you heave a sigh of relief because it's finally over and you're just excited about seeing them and loving on them because they'd just been through the surgery.. and then you have to face emptiness, pain and a world of other nasties instead. It's quite a shock!

I had a rat have a risky op and it was torture for me, not only when he was having the surgery, but the time leading up to it when he was ill. The vet called me to tell me he had woken and was eating. I was so excited to get him home, preparing his fave food and making comfy beds and all that, then calls again to tell me he had gone. I just fell against the wall in shock and sat on the floor in disbelief for a while. I didn't know what to do with myself. It was so painful and hard to cope with. I just wanted to shut myself down and escape from the situation because I didn't want to face it. Especially because I also wasn't there with him and imagined him feeling scared and alone. It can really mess with your head! But sometimes I think the actual thought of something is much worse than the actual circumstance and your imagination can play tricks on you because your heartbroken and anxious. In reality, they more than likely went peacefully in a haze of anaesthetic and pain relief. And we had to try, we had to give their operations a shot because they would of suffered if we hadn't. We did it out of pure love, nothing more nothing less.

Do your grieving, it's okay to grieve. It will get easier - it did for me. I'm thinking of you right now, give lots of love to your other fur babe she needs you. You will heal and it will get better.

C xx

oh I am so very sorry you lost your girl this way. While it's never easy, it can be a bit more challenging when you have made a decision that is for the best overall, and luck isn't with you and it's one of those unusual times that things don't work out.
You couldn't possibly have known the outcome; you were right to hope and plan for the best.
(((((CherryChan)))))
she knew you loved her, that's what matters most, not the last seconds of her life but the day in and day out with you, she'll carry that love with her always.

so sad for her sister. How is she doing now?

I'm so sorry this happened and for the grief you are feeling, which is natural to feel. Your baby knows that you made a decision with her best interests at heart. I also lost a rattie this way years ago, when I'd brought her in to have two tumors the size of walnuts removed. Like you, I'd had every expectation that she'd make it through because others had always done so. As the vet explained to me in the telephone call that left me shocked, like you felt, my girl had awoken after the surgery and had seemed fine for a few minutes...then went into shock. They'd tried to revive her, but she was gone. I, too, was grief-struck and horrified. I went to the vet to retrieve her, as we bury all of our animals on our property in a beautiful garden. What happened next should give you much hope and comfort: as I was driving back home with her, I happened to glance up at the sky. A cloud had formed in the shape of a rat's head...the ears, the eyes, the sweep of the nose. And I knew in my heart it was her, telling me she'd crossed over well and was fine and that her love was still with me. I've encountered many more moments where deceased pets of ours have left signs, and I've snapped some pictures of cloud shapes and orbs. Please know that her love and spirit will always be with you. Things happen the way they do for a reason, reasons which we may not be able to understand. You may find reading Kim Sheridan's book 'Animals and the Afterlife' to be comforting, particularly since it was inspired by her first pet rat. And if you wish, I know a very good animal communicator who could contact her in spirit for you; she's very good and her prices very reasonable. It's brought me a lot of comfort. Your girl is fine and she'll be there to comfort both you and your other rattie. May your heart heal soon.

Petunia said:

oh I am so very sorry you lost your girl this way. While it's never easy, it can be a bit more challenging when you have made a decision that is for the best overall, and luck isn't with you and it's one of those unusual times that things don't work out.
You couldn't possibly have known the outcome; you were right to hope and plan for the best.
(((((CherryChan)))))
she knew you loved her, that's what matters most, not the last seconds of her life but the day in and day out with you, she'll carry that love with her always.

so sad for her sister. How is she doing now?

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Sadly, her sister is gone now too. I knew Kiara would grieve, but something was REALLY wrong, and I brought her into the vet for a check up. I wasn't prepared to hear the Kiara had aggressive lung cancer. She had at most a month to live, but with Vitani passing, I didnt want to watch Kiara suffer mentally and physically just to keep her alive for my happiness. I knew I had to euthanize her, but I felt a lot better doing so knowing that Vitani was waiting for her, and that she wouldnt suffer anymore. She fell asleep after bruxing calmly on my shoulder, which made me so happy to know she was happy just to be with me, and I know Vitani must have felt the same. Im so glad I had my girls for the time I had them, and hope they are having a blast crossing the bridge together.

Oh dear! Double heartache. I'm sorry...
:hugs:

You are in my thoughts and prayers. You will get through this. They were so lucky to have such a loving person have their back at all times. You did good and right by them Cherry Chan. I know it may not seem like it, but it's the truth. We are all here for you, please don't forget that if you ever need support or a shoulder just come back here. Keep us in the loop of how you are doing ok xx