Who Should Phone Who?

[Sharlees rattakisses]

My mom moved to Nova Scotia 24 years ago.
We had no family and friends there & has because of this missed out on mine and her Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren's lives.
She turned 69 in May.
Anyway she has the belief that everyone should phone her.
If I don't phone and I haven't for the last 4 months because frankly it pisses me off that she refuses to phone us.
She is good at laying on the guilt trips and if she doesn't make an effort then why should anyone else?
She CHOSE to move there.
We told her that we couldn't afford to visit but she moved there anyway.
I've been twice.
Once when I was first pregnant with Stacey 24 years ago and the last time 11 years ago.
She has seen the girls a handful of times the last time was June 2006 when my dad died.
She has only seen 1 of my brother's 7 grandchildren and that was in 2006.
I would like to know using comments and a poll what you would do.
Thanks everyone. :heart:
This has been bothering me for a long time.

 

[Petunia]

I really can't vote on something like that, I think it really depends on the family and how people relate to each other.

I had a good relationship with my father and when he lived in another state, I continued to call him. I wanted to stay in touch, it was something important to me. He didn't call as much as I did but I was fine with that.

Now with my mother, we didn't have a good relationship and I actually changed my phone number so she couldn't call!! LOL
I did email her towards the end, before she died. It was a lot easier to interact with her that way.

so it really depends on what you want and what is important to you. If you don't want to call her as often as you do, don't. Send a letter instead or email (does she use email?)
She can complain all she wants, but if you're doing what you are comfortable with, don't worry about it.

and as far as what she does with others in the family, I don't know how that affects what you do with her. It's about your relationship with her. Right?

one way to think of it is this: how will you feel when she's gone? that you wished you'd kept in touch more, or that you wished you'd forced her to see things your way. There really is no "should" in a family situation, I've found. There's the way it is, and the way you wish it was.
if you're lucky those two are close to being the same but I think for most families, there's a pretty good sized gap between the two.

do what YOU feel comfortable with and what you can live with. if it's been 4 mos and you miss her and want to talk to her, call her. You can always say, hey I wished you'd called me, but just don't expect that to change anything if it hasn't already.

 

[Sharlees rattakisses]

I really can't vote on something like that, I think it really depends on the family and how people relate to each other.

I had a good relationship with my father and when he lived in another state, I continued to call him. I wanted to stay in touch, it was something important to me. He didn't call as much as I did but I was fine with that.

Now with my mother, we didn't have a good relationship and I actually changed my phone number so she couldn't call!! LOL
I did email her towards the end, before she died. It was a lot easier to interact with her that way.

so it really depends on what you want and what is important to you. If you don't want to call her as often as you do, don't. Send a letter instead or email (does she use email?)
She can complain all she wants, but if you're doing what you are comfortable with, don't worry about it.

and as far as what she does with others in the family, I don't know how that affects what you do with her. It's about your relationship with her. Right?

one way to think of it is this: how will you feel when she's gone? that you wished you'd kept in touch more, or that you wished you'd forced her to see things your way. There really is no "should" in a family situation, I've found. There's the way it is, and the way you wish it was.
if you're lucky those two are close to being the same but I think for most families, there's a pretty good sized gap between the two.

do what YOU feel comfortable with and what you can live with. if it's been 4 mos and you miss her and want to talk to her, call her. You can always say, hey I wished you'd called me, but just don't expect that to change anything if it hasn't already.

You made some interesting points Petunia.
I shouldn't worry about how she interacts with the rest of the family.
I wouldn't mind phoning more if she would stop talking about the past bad memories and apologizing for my disability.
It was over 48 years ago. :roll:
I have asked her to stop dwelling on the past which we can't change but concentrate on now.
My siblings have asked the same thing.
That said, I guess I'm angry that she complains and cries because she has missed out on so much.
She chose to run away.
Sad thing is we all paid the price.
My girls don't know her at all.
Yes it would devastate me if she died tomorrow but it wouldn't leave a hole.
You understand?
She actually said to me yesterday and I quote " Mary, (My mum in law) has been a mother to you longer than she was."
Like because she moved means she's no longer my mom. :shock:
We used to be so close and when my brother's second boy was born and I found out I was pregnant she packed and moved.
She needed to "get away".
Like her family, me wasn't good enough.
Thanks for commenting Petunia it has helped me see things in a different light. :hugs:

 

[Cinderwolf]

Well, Coming from a family that moved to the opposite side of the country from the rest of our family, it really is a 2 way street. I totally understand how frustrating it is to be the only one making an effort. Every few years we make a 2 week whirlwind trip to Ontario/Quebec to visit everyone and we spend like a day at each place mostly driving around not much of a vacation, not much of a visit but we try. Only a very small handful of our family has visited us. I can count on one hand actually. Its frustratin to put in so much effort and not get any in return. Like I coudl see if she visited you more often she woudl be annoyed you dont get out to visit as much but seeing as she isnt making an effort at all I dont think she really has the right to complain. But yea its really depends on the family. Jsut my experience with it

 

[Petunia]

oh well then, if you call and all she does is cry and complain about the past, and you've asked her not to do that, I wouldn't want to call her at all LOL


if you've told her how you feel and she isn't acknowledging it in some way, well....

sadly we can't change other people, only the way that we interact with them.

if you've talked to her about it, let her know how you feel and she still doesn't get it, well......
then you have to decide how much you're willing to put up with.

I don't understand what would motivate her to cry over your disability, you have CP, right? it's not like there's anything that can be done now.

if she really feels so badly and all, then she should show it by making the effort to keep in touch now.

I know my family is messed up (who's isn't eh?) but what she's doing doesn't make a lot of sense.

it's your actions that show what is important to you, not your words.
maybe next time she pulls out some old memory, just say, well it's over and done now but if you really still feel bad about it, you could call me next time instead of me calling you, and then we just put it all behind us/ call it even/whatever comes to your mind
basically tell her, ok if you're going to insist that you feel so bad about, make it up to me NOW

:stickpoke:

(I'd say it in a light hearted way the first time but if she persists, then I'd be like, ok that was then, this is now. Now if you want to do things differently how about you call me sometimes,eh?? otherwise it's all just empty words.)


I don't know if that would help you make your point or not.
sadly from what you say, it sounds like she has a problem actually listening.
:roll:

 

[jorats]

My grandparents lived far away and we didn't see them much and to be honest, I didn't feel like i missed out at all. I don't know them much and don't think about them much either.

Did you ask your mom why she moved so far away? You need to come to terms with that fact. You need to forgive her.

Last year my son moved to Ottawa, it's only 6 hours away and I miss him so much every single day but I don't call him. I wait for him to call me. I know I'm not important to him anymore, not like when he was younger. I know he needs to live his life so I sit here and wait until he needs me. Too often I feel like I'm bothering him when I call, I'd much rather him call me when it's convenient to him.
I can understand your mom complaining and rehashing the past... that's her only connection to you guys now. It's too bad that it can't move past that...
Someone has to step up and be the hero. Enjoy the relationship that you have now, it's all you have of her.

 

[Joanne]

My mom took us and moved to a different province in 1975. When we were younger, my dad made an effort to see us in the summer and at Christmas. As a teenager, I didn't talk to him much at all. Once I got into my 20's, I started making an effort to stay in contact with him more often. Now he will call me, or I will call him... it just depends. Sometimes it just feels like now is the time to call. He is 77 now, so it has been weighing on my mind that I need to spend time with him, as time is short. I feel bad that he basically missed out on our childhood, but hope that he can enjoy it now.

I have had a friend since moving in 1975, and we have spent years together, and years apart. Sometimes we don't talk for months and months. But just because she doesn't call me, doesn't mean I won't call her, or vice versa. She is my BFF, and I wouldn't want to lose her just because I was too petty to pick up the phone. She is more important than that.

So how important is your mom to you?

 

[Bamboo]

Late last year, my dad moved to Niagara Falls. Similar to Jorats, it really is only 6 hours away but you still feel it. I used to see them almost every weekend and now, I've seen him twice since last November -Christmas and the first week of July when I took a week off work to go down there with my sister. We have a really hard time talking on the phone because our hours are so different. He works days, I work evenings so it's hard to connect. He texts now and then and doesn't really use email so the only times we would actually be able to talk was when we would get together and have dinner. Now that we don't have that, we've really lost touch.

Also, we were all really surprised when he did it because he's lived and worked here his whole life. Why now did he decide to leave? I wish I hadn't but I found the answer when I was visiting this summer. He and his new wife had recently had a baby (which made it even more surprising that they chose to up and leave when they did) When we were down there, we were out doing something and they ran into somebody from their daycare. My sister and I just stood by awkwardly because they didn't introduce us. Later, on the way home my dad said 'Sorry about all that but people here don't know about my 'other' family in Ottawa.' He said it as a joke but I could tell there was a seriousness to it. Not going to lie, that kinda hurt. Not only the fact that myself, my sister and my mom are now just a dirty secret but the fact that we may very well be the reason he moved. Kinda pisses me off but at the same time really, really hurts.

I keep trying to stay in touch but it is frustrating when half the time, our conversations involve him telling me I should come down and visit when he knows I can't afford it. I've told him I haven't had a lot of success on the job market and I'm barely staying afloat as it is. I had to save for 6 months to be able to afford the train, food and a week off of work last time. I don't know what he wants me to do.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't really have an answer for you lol. I don't even know what to do myself. Right now, I'm just taking it day by day, phone call by phone call.

 

[Sharlees rattakisses]

Well, Coming from a family that moved to the opposite side of the country from the rest of our family, it really is a 2 way street. I totally understand how frustrating it is to be the only one making an effort. Every few years we make a 2 week whirlwind trip to Ontario/Quebec to visit everyone and we spend like a day at each place mostly driving around not much of a vacation, not much of a visit but we try. Only a very small handful of our family has visited us. I can count on one hand actually. Its frustratin to put in so much effort and not get any in return. Like I coudl see if she visited you more often she woudl be annoyed you dont get out to visit as much but seeing as she isnt making an effort at all I dont think she really has the right to complain. But yea its really depends on the family. Jsut my experience with it

It's so hard isn't it?
Feeling like the only ones making an effort.
I am traveling to Ottawa on Sat/ Sun to see my brother and his family with a few friends mixed in.
It's gonna be busy but it's important that my family know who I am.
My brother and Nephew drove from Ottawa just for Thanksgiving dinner with me and then drove back a few hours later. 5+ hours each way.
I do that as well because it's important.
I guess I've never understood WHY she would chose strangers over family.
She had gone bankrupt, paid it off and borrowed money from everyone then took off to live in a tent in the woods in Nova Scotia.
She sometimes had no food etc.
Why would anyone choose that?
I do have to clarify that in those 24 years they went from nothing to having a retirement home that takes up all there time.
They have been trying to sell to come home but there has been no luck.
Thanx for your input Cinderwolf. :cuddle:

 

[Sharlees rattakisses]

My grandparents lived far away and we didn't see them much and to be honest, I didn't feel like i missed out at all. I don't know them much and don't think about them much either.

Did you ask your mom why she moved so far away? You need to come to terms with that fact. You need to forgive her.

Last year my son moved to Ottawa, it's only 6 hours away and I miss him so much every single day but I don't call him. I wait for him to call me. I know I'm not important to him anymore, not like when he was younger. I know he needs to live his life so I sit here and wait until he needs me. Too often I feel like I'm bothering him when I call, I'd much rather him call me when it's convenient to him.
I can understand your mom complaining and rehashing the past... that's her only connection to you guys now. It's too bad that it can't move past that...
Someone has to step up and be the hero. Enjoy the relationship that you have now, it's all you have of her.

My girls say the same thing Jo so I guess It's me that's sad for them not having a relationship.
I asked her and she said that she deserved to do what she wants because she was pregnant and married at 17.
I can see her point but why such a drastic move?
She moved with my step dad 2 hours away when I was 16 and that was hard enough.
I want to forgive her.
I'm having a hard time with that.
Talking to my friends here that are neutral is I'm hoping a way for me to do this.
It's hard to see you kids grow away from you isn't it Jo?
To be there everything to being a small speck of there lives.
Stacey moved out with her boyfriend Oct 1.
They became engaged this past Sat.
I talk to her on F.B. and she comes home twice a week.
I miss her terribly but not either of her and Julio's mess.
She calls me.
Not a lot but she's busy with her life.
She is coming to Ottawa with me on the weekend and I am happy about that. :heart:
I will work at trying to get past the past so to speak.
I miss my mom I really do.
The older I get the more I can relate to her experiences.
Thanx Jo. :cuddle:

 

[Sharlees rattakisses]

My mom took us and moved to a different province in 1975. When we were younger, my dad made an effort to see us in the summer and at Christmas. As a teenager, I didn't talk to him much at all. Once I got into my 20's, I started making an effort to stay in contact with him more often. Now he will call me, or I will call him... it just depends. Sometimes it just feels like now is the time to call. He is 77 now, so it has been weighing on my mind that I need to spend time with him, as time is short. I feel bad that he basically missed out on our childhood, but hope that he can enjoy it now.

I have had a friend since moving in 1975, and we have spent years together, and years apart. Sometimes we don't talk for months and months. But just because she doesn't call me, doesn't mean I won't call her, or vice versa. She is my BFF, and I wouldn't want to lose her just because I was too petty to pick up the phone. She is more important than that.

So how important is your mom to you?

I knew I could count on my friends to as the tough questions that's why I posted.
"So how important is your mom to you?"
VERY.
I guess if she wasn't I wouldn't be so upset.
I should ask her that very same question.
I want the past left where it should be and concentrate on the NOW.
I wish she would let it go and maybe I could to.
We are very much alike my mom and I.
Easily hurt, easily pleased.
I too have a BFF. We go months without a call a year or so between visits and we pick up like no time lapsed.
My brother and I are the same way.
I want that with my mom as well.
Thanx for your help Joanne. :heart: :heart:

 

[Sharlees rattakisses]

Late last year, my dad moved to Niagara Falls. Similar to Jorats, it really is only 6 hours away but you still feel it. I used to see them almost every weekend and now, I've seen him twice since last November -Christmas and the first week of July when I took a week off work to go down there with my sister. We have a really hard time talking on the phone because our hours are so different. He works days, I work evenings so it's hard to connect. He texts now and then and doesn't really use email so the only times we would actually be able to talk was when we would get together and have dinner. Now that we don't have that, we've really lost touch.

Also, we were all really surprised when he did it because he's lived and worked here his whole life. Why now did he decide to leave? I wish I hadn't but I found the answer when I was visiting this summer. He and his new wife had recently had a baby (which made it even more surprising that they chose to up and leave when they did) When we were down there, we were out doing something and they ran into somebody from their daycare. My sister and I just stood by awkwardly because they didn't introduce us. Later, on the way home my dad said 'Sorry about all that but people here don't know about my 'other' family in Ottawa.' He said it as a joke but I could tell there was a seriousness to it. Not going to lie, that kinda hurt. Not only the fact that myself, my sister and my mom are now just a dirty secret but the fact that we may very well be the reason he moved. Kinda pisses me off but at the same time really, really hurts.

I keep trying to stay in touch but it is frustrating when half the time, our conversations involve him telling me I should come down and visit when he knows I can't afford it. I've told him I haven't had a lot of success on the job market and I'm barely staying afloat as it is. I had to save for 6 months to be able to afford the train, food and a week off of work last time. I don't know what he wants me to do.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't really have an answer for you lol. I don't even know what to do myself. Right now, I'm just taking it day by day, phone call by phone call.

Kinda hurt?!!!!! :shock:
That would have devastated me!!
Also I would have been very angry. :redhot:
He should be proud of you not keep you a secret like he's ashamed.
I am all for new starts but NOT at the expense of my children or family.
I hope that you can find a better balance in your relationship with your father.
:hugs: Bamboo. :hugs:

 

[Sharlees rattakisses]

oh well then, if you call and all she does is cry and complain about the past, and you've asked her not to do that, I wouldn't want to call her at all LOL


if you've told her how you feel and she isn't acknowledging it in some way, well....

sadly we can't change other people, only the way that we interact with them.

if you've talked to her about it, let her know how you feel and she still doesn't get it, well......
then you have to decide how much you're willing to put up with.

I don't understand what would motivate her to cry over your disability, you have CP, right? it's not like there's anything that can be done now.

if she really feels so badly and all, then she should show it by making the effort to keep in touch now.

I know my family is messed up (who's isn't eh?) but what she's doing doesn't make a lot of sense.

it's your actions that show what is important to you, not your words.
maybe next time she pulls out some old memory, just say, well it's over and done now but if you really still feel bad about it, you could call me next time instead of me calling you, and then we just put it all behind us/ call it even/whatever comes to your mind
basically tell her, ok if you're going to insist that you feel so bad about, make it up to me NOW

:stickpoke:

(I'd say it in a light hearted way the first time but if she persists, then I'd be like, ok that was then, this is now. Now if you want to do things differently how about you call me sometimes,eh?? otherwise it's all just empty words.)


I don't know if that would help you make your point or not.
sadly from what you say, it sounds like she has a problem actually listening.
:roll:

Petunia?
My mother wallows in her guilt.
Over smoking and drinking when she was pregnant with me in 1965.
EVERYONE did that.
Over just about every choice she's had to make she has guilt.
I can't seem to make her stop.
I miss her.
I've already lost my dad at 68, 7 years ago.
My mom is 69.
Her side of the family people live only until the early to mid 70's.
I just wish it was different.
:cuddle: Petunia. :heart:

 

[jorats]

My mother wallows in her guilt.

My youngest son has Tourette Syndrome and comorbids... I blame myself every single day, even though it's not my fault, it's genetic and luck of the draw, I still blame myself and it kills me each time his disorders affect his daily living. That is one thing you will never be able to take away from a mom. The guilt is ours to bear forever.

 

[Sharlees rattakisses]

My mother wallows in her guilt.

My youngest son has Tourette Syndrome and comorbids... I blame myself every single day, even though it's not my fault, it's genetic and luck of the draw, I still blame myself and it kills me each time his disorders affect his daily living. That is one thing you will never be able to take away from a mom. The guilt is ours to bear forever.

Stacey has multiple health issues.
Crohns being the main one.
I STUPIDLY followed my Dr's advice and put her on full cows milk at 6 months. :shock:
She is not physically able to bear children because of it.
It broke my heart that my decision could have resulted in this.
She doesn't blame me tho and before she even knew the diagnosis she told me she didn't want children.
She is 25 pounds underweight and really needs to gain weight.
I understand my mom's guilt for things past.
You're right you NEVER stop being a mom Jo. :cuddle:

 

[Petunia]

well I think I can see your mom's side of this even more now

I just saw my daughter for the first time in almost a year. she's moved about an hour ride away but for me that may as well be halfway across the country because I do not drive and there is no bus out to where she is

so I have to depend on her coming to me.

we got together and I took her and her boyfriend out to eat. they chose one of the least expensive places and were sure that there were healthy vegan choices on the menu for my benefit
OH my daughter kills me, she is so thoughtful.

anyway during the course of the night the conversation came around to something that happened to my daughter when she was just 9 yrs old that was in at least some ways my fault, something very painful and difficult

somehow she does not blame me, but it is still very painful for her and I went and mentioned it and she burst into tears.
I felt horrible, I had no idea it was that close to the surface for her, and I don't think I"ve ever seen her that heartbroken.........

I can't change what happened to her. I wish I could. I can't think of anything to make it better, or to "make it up to her"

It's not enough that she forgives me. I really want her to heal from it but I don't know if there's anyway I can facilitate that,
and even more importantly
I don't know if I SHOULD

she is very independent and I don't want to take anything away from her. she may need to be in total control of her own healing, you know?

I tried so hard not to cry when she was leaving but I ended up crying anyway. I told her I was sorry for bringing up something painful to her, and she was like, "I'm ok, I can handle having strong feelings"

she is so strong. she has been thru so much.

OH it hurts to know that you've caused your child pain and suffering. I would do anything to take that away from her.

My own mother was cruel and never apologized for anything. she purposely tried to stay as thin as she could when she was pregnant with one of my younger sisters, because she was divorcing my dad and the father of this baby was someone else. she even took speed and diet pills to try to hide the pregnancy, knowing full well that could hurt the baby but not caring. My younger sister has some serious learning and emotional problems because of it. but my/our mom never felt sorry for that.


so I guess maybe there are worse things than a mother who feels guilty.

*shrug*

My daughter and I were very very close as she was growing up and now we actually need both time and space between us to learn better boundaries and to not get overly involved in each other's lives in unproductive and inappropriate ways, doing things for each other that we needed to do for ourselves.

maybe that's one reason your mom moved away, to get some distance and perspective on things? I don't know.

 

[Sharlees rattakisses]

well I think I can see your mom's side of this even more now

I just saw my daughter for the first time in almost a year. she's moved about an hour ride away but for me that may as well be halfway across the country because I do not drive and there is no bus out to where she is

so I have to depend on her coming to me.

we got together and I took her and her boyfriend out to eat. they chose one of the least expensive places and were sure that there were healthy vegan choices on the menu for my benefit
OH my daughter kills me, she is so thoughtful.

anyway during the course of the night the conversation came around to something that happened to my daughter when she was just 9 yrs old that was in at least some ways my fault, something very painful and difficult

somehow she does not blame me, but it is still very painful for her and I went and mentioned it and she burst into tears.
I felt horrible, I had no idea it was that close to the surface for her, and I don't think I"ve ever seen her that heartbroken.........

I can't change what happened to her. I wish I could. I can't think of anything to make it better, or to "make it up to her"

It's not enough that she forgives me. I really want her to heal from it but I don't know if there's anyway I can facilitate that,
and even more importantly
I don't know if I SHOULD

she is very independent and I don't want to take anything away from her. she may need to be in total control of her own healing, you know?

I tried so hard not to cry when she was leaving but I ended up crying anyway. I told her I was sorry for bringing up something painful to her, and she was like, "I'm ok, I can handle having strong feelings"

she is so strong. she has been thru so much.

OH it hurts to know that you've caused your child pain and suffering. I would do anything to take that away from her.

My own mother was cruel and never apologized for anything. she purposely tried to stay as thin as she could when she was pregnant with one of my younger sisters, because she was divorcing my dad and the father of this baby was someone else. she even took speed and diet pills to try to hide the pregnancy, knowing full well that could hurt the baby but not caring. My younger sister has some serious learning and emotional problems because of it. but my/our mom never felt sorry for that.


so I guess maybe there are worse things than a mother who feels guilty.

*shrug*

My daughter and I were very very close as she was growing up and now we actually need both time and space between us to learn better boundaries and to not get overly involved in each other's lives in unproductive and inappropriate ways, doing things for each other that we needed to do for ourselves.

maybe that's one reason your mom moved away, to get some distance and perspective on things? I don't know.

Maybe Petunia.
The cost of her choices hurt everyone but most of all herself.
I do know if she could go back and change it she would.
Growth comes from "mistakes" each of us made.
I'm sure my girls shake there heads at some of my life choices.
I love hearing everyone's perspective on my issue.
It enables me to look at it in a different way.
:heart: :hugs:

 

[Petunia]

has your mom ever considered moving back?

 

[Sharlees rattakisses]

has your mom ever considered moving back?

Yes.
Has talked about it for years.
Says no one wants to buy the business.
Has promised to come for a visit but always bows out saying they can't afford it.
Sadly now no one believes or gets excited when she says she's visiting anymore.
They're stuck with a great business no one wants.
She wants to be here but can't until they sell.