Advice on not blaming myself for my rat's tragic death...

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abby3089

abby3089

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 2, 2013
Messages
78
Location
Washington, DC
Back in August I got a new baby rat, Imogen. As a former rat owner, who had successfully purchased and owned several rats from pet stores over the years, I went to my local Petco and got a 6 week old female rat. I realized it was a risk, but I never imagined it could be so bad. I ended up only having her for a month. A week into our time together, it became obvious that I had purchased a sickly baby. Imogen was wheezing, sneezing, and had difficulty breathing. Worse, when I took her to the vet, we discovered she had lice and a horrible tapeworm infestion. She was underweight and horribly ill, and though her parasites eventually disappeared, her respiratory issues did not. After a month of treatment, I made the decision to have her x-rayed. She had a well-developed tumor in her lung, and potentially, congestive heart failure. I made the decision to have Imogen euthanized.

Months later, I have two new girls, now three and half months old. They are from an excellent, reputable breeder. And the bloodline has low instances of tumors and respiratory problems. I love them dearly, and despite one recent incident of a torn toenail, appear to be quite healthy.

However, I have become a very paranoid rat owner. Every little occasional sneeze (all environmental), speck of poryphin (even if I know they have just woken up), scratch, or otherwise sends me into a panic. My brain instantly wants to think the worst. I have flashbacks about what happened to Imogen. Though I have a wonderful breeder who advises me on everything, and reassures me everything is fine...what happened with Imogen has left me heartbroken, and I blame myself even though I shouldn't. Even though deep down I know she was likely born with the tumor, and many of her problems came from the mill she was born in, I still wonder if my home environment somehow contributed to her condition. I worry I did something wrong, and that I will accidentally do something to harm my two new babies.

I was wondering if anyone could share their advice on how to get past a tragic loss of a pet, and how they manage to go forward and be good pet owners without getting too paranoid? The stress is killing me...
 
I think all of us rat owners are paranoid. I know I am; even after almost 15 years of ratkeeping, I still freak out when I hear a sneeze or snuffle. You can't blame yourself; the only thing you can do is treat whatever comes your way the best way you can.
 
When I read the title, I thought you might have done something like leaving the cage door open, and the cat killing your rat, or stepping on your rat, or something like that. In these cases, the rat died as a direct result of your actions, accident or not.
But, a respiratory illness and/or tumor really has nothing to do with you. Your little girl was sick from the beginning and unfortunately nothing you did could change that. But that's not your fault. It's the rat mill's fault. You should feel happy that she got to come home with you and live her short life in your care. She knew a loving, caring home and was all the better for it! She had the best little life she could have had, and that's all a rat can ask for. Be proud you were a part of it! :D
 
It's hard losing a pet. They're part of the family and there's such a strong bond with them. I'm sorry for your loss and I agree with what other people have said. From what you've told us you did alot for your little girl and she was lucky to have you look after her so well. It was very sad that she had such a short life but even you recognise that that was beyond your control. Enjoy your new additions as much as you can :)
 
I'm afraid you will be like that for some time. I was like that for many years. It's ok to be paranoid but don't forget to have fun with them too, love them and appreciate them every single day. :hugs:
 
Being a little bit paranoid and overprotective just means that you are a good rat parents. Although I find that the relationship between person and rat is a lot more rewarding when you don't feel so paranoid. But it's a natural feeling, especially after what you went through with Imogen. It takes time to let go of that worried feeling. But it goes away, eventually :hugs:
 
It's hard not to get into self blame in those sad situations. I've heard it suggested that it's easier to blame ourselves than to accept the fact that our pet is dead and that we had no control. I don't know why so many of us do this, but I know of some ways to stop the process from going on too long.

1) Post on the Rat Shack. No matter what time of day or night there will be someone to pour your heart out to, and to get some perspective.
2) get a bit of distance by reminding yourself that this is part of how you cope with the loss of a pet. That might help you view your thoughts as just thoughts, rather than "The Truth".
3) write out the painful self-accusation: "it was my fault. If I had done X, this would not have happened". Then write down any evidence you have for and against the painful beliefs. Then think about whether you are ignoring some important context information (eg, the rat came from a mill and two of its litter mates died very young). Think about whether you were jumping to conclusions or seeing things in extreme terms ("I'm a terrible rat mom", and think about what you'd tell a friend in the same situation.

There is something about taking the time to write these things down that helps a person gain perspective and to see the big picture.

Hope some of those ideas help.
 
Thank you so much everyone. I really, really appreciate everyone's thoughts. For the time being, I'm just panicking every time I hear a sneeze or a snuffle out of them. I know in my heart it's environmental, because now I know the difference between a, "Whoops, I got some dust in my nose/That's a funny smell" and the horrible, sick sneezes of respiratory illness. But still, my stomach just drops everytime I hear something. It's easy for me to forget that sneezing is a natural body function of rats, just like humans. I've just been scared silly.

For example, I was spot checking the cage tonight, and I know I probably kicked up some dust from the newspaper pellet litter, and I heard a little snuffle/sneeze from one of my rats. Instantly, I thought, "OMG, MYCOPLASMA PNEUMONIA!" But then I stopped and processed, and reminded myself of what I was doing. And that she only sneezed once. And even I felt like I needed to sneeze...

Godmother, that is a really helpful exercise. When I write down number 3, the only evidence I have that it was my fault is that somehow my apartment was dusty or had bad air and triggered her illness. But I know that's just not possible. She had a tumor. Rats can't get tumors from dust or strange smelling air...

That being said, I would like to figure out how to make even more environmentally sound for my ratties (and I'm sure it would be better for me too). Maybe it would help give me some peace of mind that I really have done everything I can. My apartment already has an air purifier. But dust can be a problem. Does anyone have any ideas on how to dust without using something with a powerful smell like Pledge? I've been trying to find something more natural...
 
abby3089 said:
Does anyone have any ideas on how to dust without using something with a powerful smell like Pledge? I've been trying to find something more natural...
Click to expand...
For dusting most things, all you need is a damp rag. The dampness stops the dust from flying around. If you wring it out well, you should be able to use it on wood no problem.
The Swiffer duster is actually pretty good too, and seems to collect a lot of dust.
 
I can understand how you feel. I myself have actually lost one rat due to a very unfortunate and avoidable accident, and also lost rats who I felt I should have been able to save but couldn't, and then lost rats who I knew had little chance of being saved, yet still felt responsible. I think it is just something in our nature to hold ourselves fully accountable. Sometimes we actually are, but I think after we've given ourselves time to grieve and gain perspective, we simply have to ask ourselves how we would feel about someone else in our position, and allow ourself the same kindness.

Your position is certainly one that you were not responsible for. You did your best to save a rat and weren't able to do so. You provided love and care for the time you were allowed and helped a living creature to pass humanely when you could do no more. That is a great kindness.

I also understand the fear and apprehension that comes along with the losses we take, and I don't have great advice on that one. I've had some bad respiratory cases this year that were beyond my control to fix in the end, and like you, I now cringe and my stomach turns at every sneeze I hear. A single sneeze and my body tenses up completely and I sit waiting silently to see if more will follow. I know it's silly but I just can't seem to let that part of it go, so I just try to remind myself that it is just something that will stay with me for awhile. I think eventually with new rats and time the apprehension fades away some, but being a slightly paranoid rattie mom is certainly not the worst thing in the world. At least you know you're very likely to catch any issues early.

I also second the idea of remember that you can post on Rat Shack anytime, day or night, for assistance. That thought alone should help ease some anxiety, as you'll know that you always have a great forum behind you and can get second opinions when issues arise. ;)
 
Oh hon, you did everything right for Imogen!
I think we all understand your worries about doing everything right as you hadn't had the benefit of long-time kids yet before this tragedy. But it isn't necessary just because of Imogen, even those of us who've had that worry about sneezes & such, that's just what moms do...
I think we all understand your guilt too, you will have it when these 2 pass too and you will think it is because of Imogen. But honestly I go thru a period of self-flagellation every time I lose a kid, and I've had many, asking myself what I could have done different.
I think you should question your care of them less and question your expectations of yourself instead.
First, poor sickly little Imogen could have sufferered all she did in a home where she was fed & watered, then ignored when she wasn't fun to play with, never having any help for any of her troubles, and never feeling love & comfort thruout it. You need to be glad she was with you.
And 2nd, put yourself in her place, how much she must have appreciated that love & comfort when everything else hurt. If you were her place, when you went off to a pain-free heaven wouldn't you want to run & play knowing the human you love is ok? She shouldn't have to be in heaven feeling guilt about her life causing you agony! She wants you to give these kids the love & care you gave her, and she wants you to feel the pleasure she wanted to give you.
You honor her & release her best by passing on the love & care to the new ones, and closing your eyes and saying "Imogen, I give all my pain & fear to you to dispose of for me, so we both can have a life without what neither of us wanted or deserved, and in return I will think of only our good moments together, the best I can, because you deserve to be remembered with joy, not with pain.
You did everything right with her, you're bound to make some mistakes or failing with these kids or some in the future, but we all do, and we all agonize, but we owe it to our passed kids to not make them worry for us in heaven as we did for them on earth. And to remember them with pleasure, not pain.
http://www.katsandogz.com/onlove.html
Hugs. Do your best, you will agonize over every kid but you did not fail Imogen at all.
 
Don't worry :hugs: I can relate to you as my very first pet rat was born with bad myco and died of pneumonia.. it was very tragic as I still to this day (like you) feel that I could have done more to save her. Whenever our body grieves from a tragic situation, we tend to try and find something wrong that we did within ourselves to cope with the tragedy. You did the best that you could have done: loved her very much(it is very evident that you did :heart: ) It is tough being a rattie owner at times, but that is just what we must endure to have all the joy these beautiful little souls bring us. hugs :cuddle:
And I am paranoid when I hear the slightest sneeze..even when they groom themselves I pause to make sure I hear a clear nose!! :lol2: ..Us rat people are so funny aren't we.. :mrgreen:
 
I think Fidget said everything in one simple phrase. It brought tears to my eyes just thinking about it in terms of my own formers where I carry my own guilt:
"put yourself in her place, how much she must have appreciated that love & comfort when everything else hurt."
 
I'm sure everyone has already said everything I could say so far as advice goes. But I just want to say, I see no way this could be your fault. The major issues were hidden problems that had probably started developing before you had ever seen her. Besides, she could have ended up with some child who didn't know better and let her wither in the cage. She was ever so, so lucky to have you find her and recognize her situation and help her to the Bridge.
Everyone makes mistakes and learns from them; we can always better the lives of the rats that come after the ones we may feel we've done wrong by. But you didn't make a mistake here, you did everything right.

There is no need to blame yourself at all :hugs:
 
Thank you, again, everyone! It is so meaningful to have everyone's words of support. I am starting to move forward, focus on my new babies, and know that Immie is looking down on them and protecting them they best she can. :)
 

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