Grieving/Venting

I did not want to take over Godmother's thread so I'll start my own. This past Tuesday rocked my world - my world as I knew it - and I'm damn MAD right now!!! Most of you guys can probably figure out from my online name I'm a 911 dispatcher - I work inside a police department, so these officers I work with are my second family! Actually, I'm closer to most of them then my biological family!! So when I answered my phone (at home) at 0908 on Tuesday morning the LAST thing I was expecting to hear was that our police commander had committed suicide.... Brief history, he was our police chief until about a month ago when politics came into play and we got a new Mayor and positions changes - he was demoted, blah blah... How dare he commit such a selfish act!! He has 2 children and a sick wife. There will be no life insurance for his family now - suicide doesn't pay out. His daughter (will be a freshman in high school) will miss out of so much getting her driver's license, first prom, first boyfriend, graduation, father walking her down the aisle at her wedding. His son (will be a freshman in college) will miss out on things also. How dare he leave his sick wife with the burden of college tuition, mortgage, etc. Saturday was suppose to be their graduation party and instead the will bury their father - a day before father's day. Then there is us - we will forever feel the loss. He is a part of this building we have to walk into every day. He had no right to go and alter my life path either... My life was heading one way at 0907 and took another path at 0908 - if you can understand that - I'll never be the same... Tuesday I had cake tasting for my wedding cake that was suppose to be a fun day for me - it wasn't - its a hazing memory.. I'm ANGRY and I want to know why he did it - he didn't even have the courtesy to leave an explaination behind. I never knew how selfish an act suicide was until it hit me personnally. We've had grief counselors here, what a joke !! I just needed to vent before I exploded. Sorry if I have offended anyone....but I needed to get this out and I haven't been able to sleep so I am a bit cranky... Although I am glad he choose no to come to the station first and take the ones that wronged to out too.

How terribly sad. I am sorry for your loss :hugs:

Many of our officers step in to help the widows/children of officers who have died, including suicide. hopefully the department will help to support his family by being paternal figures to his children, fundraising to support them financially, etc.

please do not let this sad event darken this time that is suposed to be so happy for you :hugs:

Wow. That must be so hard for all who knew him. What a horrible and cowardly way to go. I'm so sorry.

:hugs:

Unfortunately there was not a clue this was coming - absolutely NOTHING! Circumstances surrounding the change of ranks certainly played a hugh part and things that went on here afterwards and the alienation cannot be explained unless you witnessed it. Due to this his family has resentment for the Department/Village which should only be directly toward a few unfortunately groups us all!! We will not be welcome in their lives I'm afraid as we are barely welcome to be part of the services. My anger will pass this I know, but the healing will take time.. Thanks for the comments

dspch911 said:

Unfortunately there was not a clue this was coming - absolutely NOTHING! Circumstances surrounding the change of ranks certainly played a hugh part and things that went on here afterwards and the alienation cannot be explained unless you witnessed it. Due to this his family has resentment for the Department/Village which should only be directly toward a few unfortunately groups us all!! We will not be welcome in their lives I'm afraid as we are barely welcome to be part of the services. My anger will pass this I know, but the healing will take time.. Thanks for the comments

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That may change as time passes. They are grieving and probably terrified of what the future may bring. You can still try!

Try sending them a condolence card and maybe make a statement that you know your sentiments may not be welcome. If you are able to (without getting yourself into trouble at work) let them know that you never supported whatever happened with him at the department. They need to know that you guys are grieveing too or they will likely assume that none of you cared at all. That would just strengthen their belief that you are all awful and heartless when that isn't the case!

It isn't about their acceptance. It is about your support. I have people who haven't spoken to me in years but I still offer my condolences and support when something bad happens in their families. Some of them never respond and maybe they don't even welcome it...nevertheless, they know one thing... I am still there for them if they need support.

It may take a decade... it may never come.... but you tried. That is all anyone can expect from you. :hugs:

I am sorry for everything you and his family are going through.
I am also sorry for the horrible pain he must have been in.

:hugs:

[quote
That may change as time passes. They are grieving and probably terrified of what the future may bring. You can still try!

Try sending them a condolence card and maybe make a statement that you know your sentiments may not be welcome. If you are able to (without getting yourself into trouble at work) let them know that you never supported whatever happened with him at the department. They need to know that you guys are grieveing too or they will likely assume that none of you cared at all. That would just strengthen their belief that you are all awful and heartless when that isn't the case!

It isn't about their acceptance. It is about your support. I have people who haven't spoken to me in years but I still offer my condolences and support when something bad happens in their families. Some of them never respond and maybe they don't even welcome it...nevertheless, they know one thing... I am still there for them if they need support.

It may take a decade... it may never come.... but you tried. That is all anyone can expect from you. :hugs: [/quote]

+1
It is so very important to let them know you are grieving too. You don't want them getting more upset thinking no one there cares. I am so sorry for the loss hang in there. :heart:

We will be going as a department - as we have to believe they have to know the action taken were not done as a group, but by a small handful. He will get the honors funeral he deserves. I picked out the card for the department to send so hopefully they will accept it. Thanks again....

dspch911 said:

We will be going as a department - as we have to believe they have to know the action taken were not done as a group, but by a small handful. He will get the honors funeral he deserves. I picked out the card for the department to send so hopefully they will accept it. Thanks again....

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You guys (and gals) rock. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Wow, just caught this thread for the first time. I hope the funeral has already been held. How was it? If you feel angry, imagine how his family must feel. I have never had to deal with suicide, so I can't imagine how you are feeling. I hope you are feeling a bit better this week, or maybe a bit more accepting than before and a little less angry... :hugs:

Joanne said:

Wow, just caught this thread for the first time. I hope the funeral has already been held. How was it? If you feel angry, imagine how his family must feel. I have never had to deal with suicide, so I can't imagine how you are feeling. I hope you are feeling a bit better this week, or maybe a bit more accepting than before and a little less angry... :hugs:

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Yes, the funeral was Saturday... That was a whole story in itself...!! Long story short - :cop: our department squads were leading the procession, but the hearst followed the wrong police squad (one going directly to the cemetary) so we went one way and they procession went another. Only we didn't realize it for a mile or two... :laugh4: So we have to shut off all the lights as we're going past the station now (looking like fools) head the other way pick up the procession and start over.... of course then the end of the procession gets stuck by a train so we have to park (on his block) as we were going past his house. Funeral director gets out of our car, to go who knows where, so when we are ready to go again - cannot find him. So, the Sgt gets out to look for him - then they are both missing - so the officer in back with me gets out to look for them both. I felt like I was in Jurassic Park waiting for a dinosaur to attack. Then we hear over the radio they located the funeral director, but the older people are now inside his house using the bathroom.... :emb: All I can say is he must of looking down on us laughing - he was the one who always but thing on paper, who was going where and doing what.... we had no direction :bow:

I'm getting over the anger phase, today is one week, but the acceptance phase is harder. It was closed casket and he will be cremated (probably has by now). So we had no body to view and no gravesite to see. I think this makes it harder to deal with. We are still not sleeping well as I think night time is harder too as your mind is free to wander and think. Of course coming to work will never be the same. They have cleaned out his office and removed most traces that he existed. We will still always be left with the Why?

Thanks for asking

It is horrible. Sucide is becoming so popular. My daughters first funeral was for a very close friend of hers who committed suicide on her 18th birthday. There have been numerous other since him. It is really bad in most areas now. One of her dads friends did the same thing last week left behind a wife and like 4 kids. I have had 2 cousins, one a distant one growing up and the other a child i knew his whole life, hang themselves the last one was just a few years ago. A woman in town did it last year, death by train left her husband and kids behind as well. You have to picture what they felt. Imagine feeling like the only answer you can find is the out by suicide. I couldnt imagine feeling that much pain or depression that is the fix for it. It is very sad for the people's family that they left behind but the hurt that person felt to do that is unimaginable I am sure. It is a hard thing to for the family but i am sure even harder for the person who felt like that was their only answer. Quite tragic to say the least.

I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to go through.

But I have to say that I have been on the other side of this, I have been the person who seriously, earnestly considered taking that step (daily, over an extended period of time). I have been the person to take the steps in that direction (injuring myself and taking too many pills) and if you knew what it was like, you would not call him a coward. Don't get me wrong, it is an inherently selfish thing to do. But when you are only thinking about what your leaving would do to others, when the only thing keeping you alive is the fact that someone you love would have to find you, your soul is torn in ways you can't even imagine. At one point in life the only reason I continued to breathe was because I had hugely insurmountable guilt over the fact that I wanted to leave it all behind. Which just made the depression and the self hatred even worse.

It's unlikely that he got demoted and that flicked a switch and he decided to opt out of life. Much more likely that there was much going on in the closet of his mind that no one could ever possibly know about.

The focus here needs to be on the fact that he either didn't have mental health resources available to him or he didn't feel able to use what was available. We need to take the shame out of mental illnesses, and stop shaming those who have them.

Moon said:

I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to go through.

But I have to say that I have been on the other side of this, I have been the person who seriously, earnestly considered taking that step (daily, over an extended period of time). I have been the person to take the steps in that direction (injuring myself and taking too many pills) and if you knew what it was like, you would not call him a coward. Don't get me wrong, it is an inherently selfish thing to do. But when you are only thinking about what your leaving would do to others, when the only thing keeping you alive is the fact that someone you love would have to find you, your soul is torn in ways you can't even imagine. At one point in life the only reason I continued to breathe was because I had hugely insurmountable guilt over the fact that I wanted to leave it all behind. Which just made the depression and the self hatred even worse.

It's unlikely that he got demoted and that flicked a switch and he decided to opt out of life. Much more likely that there was much going on in the closet of his mind that no one could ever possibly know about.

The focus here needs to be on the fact that he either didn't have mental health resources available to him or he didn't feel able to use what was available. We need to take the shame out of mental illnesses, and stop shaming those who have them.

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I never called him a coward, but I did call him selfish. I understand it was an illness and for whatever reason he felt he had no one to turn to or talk to, despite the fact we do have services available to us (free of charge). I also understand that had he died of cancer or a heart attack - people wouldn't be mad at him and we shouldn't be mad at him because he did have an illness in his brain that didn't allow him to reach another outcome or reason properly. There were other circumstances in his life, and we will never know what was the incident that was his breaking point. Here is the latest article and as you will see this really seemed to be an impulsive last minute decision. I surely hope you are doing better.
http://www.rblandmark.com/News/Articles ... h-tragedy/